Prescriptions for Living by Bernie S. Siegel

Author:Bernie S. Siegel [Siegel, Bernie S., M.D.]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 978-0-06-210470-0
Publisher: HarperCollins
Published: 1998-09-15T00:00:00+00:00

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Does It Matter Who Loves You?

Love your neighbor, your family and the unlovable

LOVE HEALS. LOVE GIVES MEANING TO UFE. Love is vital to our survival. Love has all these wonderful benefits, which is not surprising when you think about the love between a parent and a child or between two lifelong spouses. But the remarkable thing about love is how little it matters who does the loving. Love does not have to come from a devoted parent or an adoring spouse to be life-enhancing. I hear many stories from people who are alive and thriving today because someone loved them, and that important someone was a schoolteacher, a doctor, a grandparent, a friend, a therapist—the list goes on and on. There are many relationships in which you can provide or receive the love that heals and builds self-esteem and makes life meaningful. The miracle is not love at first sight, but love for a lifetime despite our imperfections.

As a physician, I have had many patients who were self-destructive. No matter how difficult they were I asked them to come see me again and I continued to work with and care for them even when it appeared obvious they didn’t care about themselves. Many began to take better care of themselves when they realized they were important to someone—even though that someone was only their doctor. In the work I do now, an answered letter or a returned phone call may save a life because it says, “I care about you.” The response is what counts, not the advice.

How much can love accomplish? Can a single parent raise a child? Can gay parents raise a child? Can an abused, suicidal child recover? The answer to each of those questions is “Yes, with love.” Blood relationships, gender or ethnic background, terrible experiences or even physical abuse—none of these things matter as much as the question of whether the child has someone to love her. If there is someone to love the child, there is hope for her growing up with self-love and self-esteem and the ability to love others.

Remember that difficult people need your love as much as people who are easy to love. My classic example is a patient of mine who was always bitter and resentful about everything. In the hopes she would gain some perspective, I suggested that she go through the housing project for the elderly she lived in and find someone who was worse off than she was. “Watch what happens to you when you help someone else,” I said.

She toured the project, came back to the office and said, “I went through the whole project and there’s nobody sicker, with more troubles than me.” I knew then that she was almost certainly not ready to experience the joy of helping others. The thought of being well was threatening to her. She didn’t want to give up pain and sickness because that was the way she got people to pay attention to her, and that was the closest she came to being loved.

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